Is anyone really listening?

Do you ever feel as though no one is listening. Your mouth is moving, their eyes are looking at you, they may even have a smile or a smirk on their face, but are they really listening?

I feel as though i'm constantly battling with this; I get it, they are children, but even some adults are not listening.

It makes one question oneself! 

GIrls and oh how they like to argue!

While I am a very argumentative girl, I understand my limit, now, it's taken me 32 years to get there, but I still understand, most of the time b/c my husband would argue differently, when to stop.

However, I have 4 girls and arguing seems to be 2nd nature to them. One would think that the oldest, the teenager would be the worst, but honestly, they are all terrible about it in their own ways! And it doesn't matter what you say either, there is always an argument that ends with me saying, "just stop arguing with me please it's not becoming of you." 

TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN. No matter how much trouble one gets into, there is ALWAYS an argument the next time.

I just don't remember arguing with my mother ABOUT everything, did I really challenge every decision she EVER made? And what is this holier than though attitude and where did their attitude of gratitude go?

HELP!! Drowning in girls! :) lol

2013 Already!!!

Amazing that another year has passed. Today, is Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013. 2012 brought growth, hardship, happiness and strength, it also brought another light on appreciation for those in our lives. Since losing my father in April of 2011, myself as well as my sister and brother have realized all too well, how precious life really is. Losing Mom in September of 2004 was hard, it nearly killed us all, we still had our father who then realized he needed to step it up and be the leader, and that he did. But then, losing him 7 years later, sent us in a downward spiral that thankfully brought us not only closer together, but much more thankful for all those lives that we are with and are blessed with in our lives.
I look back at 2012 and I see so much growth, not only in myself and my children but in my family as well.
I don't have any profound words of wisdom, all I have is that the Faith I have in the Lord, the Love I have for my Family and the Peace I've found with my husband and children are what has gotten me through and given me a reason to live.
2013, I hope this is the year for our growth and rebuilding and moving on up!! :) 

Some days being a mother is tough

Esp those days when you have multiple children and u feel like a failure because you can't get to everything.

Mid-September ALREADY!!!

I was having a conversation with someone, and I can't quite remember who it was, but said I was bad about updating everyone on what is going on with us, then it hit me, I need to just blog it all. LMAO. I pretty much use facebook for this purpose, but there are some that aren't on my facebook and that's ok b/c not only do I use it for this purpose I also have a good time with my friends on there and well, that's not for some people's eyes either. LOL

So, I shall create another blog, much like facebook which will be all about our family and what we are doing all of the time. Problem is, the one's that that is for may not like it because they don't tend to accept that OUR FAMILY is 7 people, not just two or three ... ya know!

I'd love to have tall the time to blog and post creations and such, but I just don't have it. A working mom with 5 children, all in school now, a full time job and a husband that mostly travels for his work...... that's just not happening. :)

Mid-September, I just can't believe it. Here's to soccer games, practices, finishing up volleyball season, starting AEP (medicare annual enrollment period) and staying sane.

Cheers. LOL :)

What to blog about

It's hard for me to decide what to blog about. What you put in writing you can never erase. That goes through my mind often, but yet, I feel I have a story to tell, and so what if my story offends anyone. I guess, I'm at a point, where as long as I'm telling the truth, what does it matter, the truth hurts right ... then why am I still so skiddish to write what and how I really feel? I think it's time, and those of you who read this and don't exactly like it, well, just remember that there are always two sides to every story, and this is my side, my honest, not-so christian sometimes side and I have every right and am at every liberty to tell it.

The wonder .... The wonder of You ....

"When no one else can understand me, when everything I do is wrong, you give me hope & consolation, you give me strength to carry on. And your' always there to lend a hand, in everything I do, that's the wonder, the wonder of  you......... I guess I'll never know the reason why, you love me as you do, that's the wonder, the wonder of  you." - Elvis Presley

Elvis said it best ... this song was probably meant for two lovers, however this song explains my fathers love for his children. And today, on fathers day, I understand it just a little bit more. ;)

She don't want the world ....

Heard this song today, it's from a very interesting spot in my past, this song really spoke to me and explained what I was going through about 4 1/2 years ago. To this day, it still speaks to me, and the brand new morning sun did shine! :-)

"She Don't Want The World"

The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world

All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world

Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longing
For slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world

 

The Calm before the Storm

Suddenly the saying, "the calm before the storm" has a whole new meaning now that I am a mother and a wife. I remember my mother used to use it before predicted drama, but for me, it is simply peace before yet another ridiculous event caused by a very ridiculous person.
I consider myself a very fair and caring person, however I do have my limits! I show huge amounts of compassion, for the right individuals and situations, but I also do not allow you to mess up more than once, if my past has taught me anything, it is that my heart will allow someone to walk all over me and I will be left wondering what on earth did I do to deserve that.
In my previous post I posted that I was angry, and those feelings I am true about, there are things that have happened in my past that I am unable to let go of, and i know that they affect my present and my future, however isn't it all just "the calm before the storm?"
Ideally, life is like a step ladder, each situation is just another rung on your ladder, each storm getting bigger and bigger until it ultimately causes a hurricane where you must prepare and protect yourself. And how do you protect yourself from that storm, well, first you must find the calm, and then you put up walls, cover windows, build shelters and gather supplies.
I've put up those walls, I have built my shelter, i'm covering my windows and what I lack, are the supplies. :)
This is my calm, and the storm is about to fire up.

Change is inevitable ...

Whether its good or bad changes, they will happen and you do have to deal with them. What matters most is HOW you deal with them.
My life has been one big change after another. My mother once told me that drama circled me and that I should write a book because it would be very entertaining for some people. What I didn't know and I doubt she knew either was how the older I got, the drama was no longer funny nor was it welcome.
At 32, I have lived through more life changing and altering events than your average 50 year old, some people would say that those events were coincidental, I say that God chose that drama to shape me into the person I am today. I'm still being molded! I still have many why questions and I still don't agree with many things that happened, but who I am now is because of what I had to go through.
Today I know who I am, where I came from and where I want to be. Today I know what it is liked to have lost my best friend, mother and father as well as making a decision based on a dream and not listening to logic. Today I know the hurt that went with that dream, but I also know the lessons I had to learn through that dream, that I am the person I am today. Today I know how it feels to be truly and honestly loved by a person I can truly call my soulmate and better half.
Drama is part of my life, but today I know love through 5 dramatic voices who all call me "mom" or step"mom", and that drama I wouldn't change for the world.
Today, I know what it is like to stand on my own two feet, I know the good sides and bad sides to my own two feet and I also know how being lifted up can relieve even just one toe :).
Today, j know that all things are possible through Christ and that without Faith, where is hope?
Change is inevitable, drama is not only addictive but also leachy, love is powerful, dreams are dangerous, knowledge is powerful and hope is faith which is everything.

That fateful date of April 10, 2011

It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since Dad passed away. I remember so clearly what I was doing that fateful Sunday.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with  my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.

What we take for granted most as children.....

I believe it to be our parent's advise. What I wouldn't give to hear either one of my parents just argue with me on my point of view. My kids are growing so fast, and life is so busy that I find myself needing my parents more and more to talk to. Both of my parents new and understood what unconditional love was, so many say that they love unconditionally; but they just "think" they know what that means. My parents knew, understood and lived UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Through all of my mistakes, and I made plenty, I think I was the one that was expected to always do the opposite of what everyone else wanted me to do; even though I felt like I was doing what they wanted and what I wanted, compromising. I always found that compromise. :) lol
But through it all, no matter what, both of my parents were there for me, they never took their love from me just because they disagreed with my choices; they expressed their opinions and told me what they thought I should do, but didn't hate me when I didn't follow their advice. My parents were the EPITOME of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and I can only pray that I instill and live that with my children as well.
Life is rough, parenting is even tougher; learning from our parents and those trusted who have been there is so valuable that I don't' think we truly realize just how valuable until you don't' have it any longer.
I am a sap, can't help it, both of my parents were; but they both also taught me that there is no weakness in sappy; only strength, love and compassion. <3

Anabel swears Daddy Saved Her Life today ...

We went hiking yesterday on our property and came back and i totally forgot to look at Anabel and change her clothes due to ticks, not even thinking they would be as bad as they were. Today she was in the bathtub and i was in the shower, she yelled at me and said, "Mommy, there's a tick in my bellybutton, oh goodness get it out now."
Well, to make a long story short, after tweezers and witch hazel, I still could not get the darn thing out, and guess what, there were 2 down in there. She has the silliest belly button you've ever seen, it's an outtie in an innie, you can pull it out if you want. I had to get Daddy, who very calmly and sweetly took care of the ticks, talked her through it and got them out.
I've never seen her hug anyone as fast as she immediately hugged her daddy and thanked him. It was cute.
She said they like her and they think she's their home and that next time she is covering herself in bug spray. LOL
Thank the Heavens for Daddies! :)

And the race begins again ......

That's right folks, starting Monday of next week, we will be on the go every night of the week, soccer season starts again and not only is my Husband coaching the girls team and Kaitlyn is joining in this season, but he is also coaching Trystin's team b/c they didn't have a coach and we wanted them to be able to play. So, that means, Monday through Saturday we won't be home before 7 or 8 at night. WOO HOO!!! :)

Savanna and Kaitlyn are also in a program called Girls ON the Run where they practice two days a week jogging to work their way up to a 5k race in May. Then they are both playing Soccer.

Trystin is playing Soccer, Starr is still in Volley ball and Anabel is along for the ride. :)

If our lives were too perfect it just wouldn't be our family! Busy keeps us alive. Blessed to be a family.

Another year another wrinkle :)

Today is a bit empty, I didn't have that first thing in the morning call from my pops wishing me a happy birthday. Funny how electronics have replaced even a happy birthday. Im 32 today and I still protest that I'm too young to have lost both of my idols.
My wonderful husband, kids, family and friends have made my day awesome, how truly blessed I am to have them all.
God bless my loved ones and keys hope year 32 is blessed and stress free.

Amazing how time flies when your having fun ;)

It's funny, how much our family has been threw in such a short time but yet, I wouldn't change any of it. While I may not be where I thought I would be when I was little, or even 5 years ago, but honestly it's my own fairy tale and I love it.
I'm living my own dream one where I have my own choices and life lessons to learn. I have my own beauties to teach me those lessons and while my blood Kay only run threw two of my five, they are all very special to me and I love them so much.
My husband is my rock, I get too upset with him and life at times, but I would not and could not give him up for anything. It's amazing in life to be able to find someone that you can be completely comfortable with, for once in my life I don't have to be anyone else but myself with Colin and I cannot even describe what that is like. My whole life I have tried to make everyone happy, make decisions for them, do what everyone else wanted, and now, at 32 I finally feel grown up. I am my own person and I've found the mozt wonderful partner to go threw life with and raise our children.
Today I am thankful for life and second chances.

Out of Sight, but NOT out of Mind!

I am trying to clean off my work computer before I go on vacation and in my favorites list are two links, one links to the funeral home's page dedicated to my father and the other to his KC Star Obituary page. Man, how hard is that. The picture we used was in front of a Christmas Tree; his very favorite holiday!
While for me, it may be a little easier because I do not live in the KC area anymore and do not have CONSTANT sights and reminders; at the same time it is very difficult. My dad lives on in his children and in his grandchildren, we have his fiber optic christmas tree up in our living room with his glass ornaments on there and a picture of him, when any of us in the house reference that tree, we reference it as "Grandpa's Tree."
I can't tell you how many times I want to pick up the phone and call him for advice, it's almost daily that something happens that I need his input on. Since his death, amazingly, I have put about three things in my life into effect that he always told me to do/not do; and daily I smile and thank him for those choices b/c they were the right answer and the right thing to do. My father was one of the greatest men I have ever known, and while I knew that when he was alive, it is ever more pressed in my life daily as I raise my own children and make decisions for my life.
I miss him every second of every day, Thanksgiving was quiet without him, Christmas will be dreadful without his laugh and santa hat and suspenders. I can't tell you how much of a character he was, if you knew him you know that he never let a minute go by where he didn't make you "lighten up" no matter the circumstance.
I've said it a million times, and I"ll say it again; his cup was ALWAYS half full, that's all he knew.
As I go into Christmas this weekend, it will be with a heavy heart; I will be missing Dad even more than I already do. Holidays are hard, I miss mom every holiday every year and it never gets easier, this year, there will be two spots empty and that is a bit hard to comprehend.
Love the one's who are around because tomorrow is never promised, shoot, tonight is not promised. I need to do a better job of this myself, never forget your place and ALWAYS tell them you LOVE THEM!

December? What? Are you Serious?

And December is here. Wow, it seems like just yesterday I was starting this blog vowing to keep up with it. I should never vow that, my life is too crazy and complicated.

The kids are all doing wonderful. Anabel is in a new preschool, Peace Kids Lutheran Pre School at the Lutheran church just up the road from us, she really likes it. She still has the morning blah's every once in a while where she complains about having to go, but once she gets there she is happy the rest of the day. I have noticed such a huge difference in her since she has started. They have a school curriculum from 9 - 3 and then before 9 and after 3 is just play time. They get to go to the sanctuary and have a lesson and sing about God. One day she told me that she was singing for God but she did not see him so she did not think he heard her. I explained to her that God is all around us and can hear and see everything, but most importantly God is in our hearts and in her heart and when she sings she can feel him there. So the next day she tells me, "mom, i sang my heart out for God and even though i didn't see him, i felt my heart the whole time."  Ugh. that little munchkin, I tell you what!

We are almost set up at ther Berger Homestead for Christmas, Colin and the kids have really worked hard on the lights outside, the kids have put up both the Berger Family Tree as well as Gpa Austin's tree. Now I just need to get my behind in gear and finish the rest of the decorating. It seems time is flying by too quickly.

Wishing you all a Happy December!

Change is Inevitable ....

But yet still so scary! :)
Time is flying by and my kids are getting older by the blink of an eye. Each of them bring their own blessings to our lives and yet in a split second can be taken away.
Fall brings happy feelings and sad thoughts.
I've fully recovered from my surgery, well, my wounds at least, I am still getting used to not having a gall bladder and the havic that that now causes :-). Soccer is for the most part over, we have an end of season party on Sunday and Trystin has his last few games coming up. Starr's volleyball season is completely over. Kaitlyn will now have to share Wednesday nights at Awanis with Trystin and Savanna; she really enjoyed doing something by herself.
We are now halfway through AEP (Medicare Annual Enrollment Period) and therefore that means December 7th is quickly approaching and we will get our daddy and my husband back who currently spends about 5 to 6 days in the River Valley embarking on his new career.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and that has proven true in our family. We have had many ups and downs since becoming a family but we are truly blessed to have eachother. I have 5 of the greatest kids out there and a wonderful supportive husband.
Tonight is about reflection, the changes that have happened in our lives and those that will happen; it's time, to give it all to God and ride the ride!

Wow ....

It's been a while. that's the sign that our lives have been crazy! :)
It's busy season at work and that means meetings meetings meetings, the kids are doing AWESOME at their sports, Kaitlyn is LOV'N getting to go to Awanas on Wednesday nights by herself, something a little "just for her" for now, and Anabel is of course running the family from her Hello Kitty rain boots.

Last Friday I had gall bladder surgery, I didn't expect that the surgery would take so much out of me. The pain really has not been that bad past the first couple of days, but the annoyance of having a HUGE BRUISE, that you call a belly, is quite annoying as well as learning how tired I get now. Today though I learned that my favorite; Salad, is no longer my friend. BUMMER!

Colin is currently almost at 100% with his ankle, we are both itching to do housework and yard work and everything else that we've neglected for the past three months.

So excited that it's fall and even more excited that Halloween season is almost here! :) lol