It's hard for me to decide what to blog about. What you put in writing you can never erase. That goes through my mind often, but yet, I feel I have a story to tell, and so what if my story offends anyone. I guess, I'm at a point, where as long as I'm telling the truth, what does it matter, the truth hurts right ... then why am I still so skiddish to write what and how I really feel? I think it's time, and those of you who read this and don't exactly like it, well, just remember that there are always two sides to every story, and this is my side, my honest, not-so christian sometimes side and I have every right and am at every liberty to tell it.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The wonder .... The wonder of You ....
"When no one else can understand me, when everything I do is wrong, you give me hope & consolation, you give me strength to carry on. And your' always there to lend a hand, in everything I do, that's the wonder, the wonder of you......... I guess I'll never know the reason why, you love me as you do, that's the wonder, the wonder of you." - Elvis Presley
Elvis said it best ... this song was probably meant for two lovers, however this song explains my fathers love for his children. And today, on fathers day, I understand it just a little bit more. ;)
Elvis said it best ... this song was probably meant for two lovers, however this song explains my fathers love for his children. And today, on fathers day, I understand it just a little bit more. ;)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
She don't want the world ....
Heard this song today, it's from a very interesting spot in my past, this song really spoke to me and explained what I was going through about 4 1/2 years ago. To this day, it still speaks to me, and the brand new morning sun did shine! :-)
"She Don't Want The World"
"She Don't Want The World"
The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world
Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longing
For slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world
Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longing
For slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Calm before the Storm
Suddenly the saying, "the calm before the storm" has a whole new meaning now that I am a mother and a wife. I remember my mother used to use it before predicted drama, but for me, it is simply peace before yet another ridiculous event caused by a very ridiculous person.
I consider myself a very fair and caring person, however I do have my limits! I show huge amounts of compassion, for the right individuals and situations, but I also do not allow you to mess up more than once, if my past has taught me anything, it is that my heart will allow someone to walk all over me and I will be left wondering what on earth did I do to deserve that.
In my previous post I posted that I was angry, and those feelings I am true about, there are things that have happened in my past that I am unable to let go of, and i know that they affect my present and my future, however isn't it all just "the calm before the storm?"
Ideally, life is like a step ladder, each situation is just another rung on your ladder, each storm getting bigger and bigger until it ultimately causes a hurricane where you must prepare and protect yourself. And how do you protect yourself from that storm, well, first you must find the calm, and then you put up walls, cover windows, build shelters and gather supplies.
I've put up those walls, I have built my shelter, i'm covering my windows and what I lack, are the supplies. :)
This is my calm, and the storm is about to fire up.
I consider myself a very fair and caring person, however I do have my limits! I show huge amounts of compassion, for the right individuals and situations, but I also do not allow you to mess up more than once, if my past has taught me anything, it is that my heart will allow someone to walk all over me and I will be left wondering what on earth did I do to deserve that.
In my previous post I posted that I was angry, and those feelings I am true about, there are things that have happened in my past that I am unable to let go of, and i know that they affect my present and my future, however isn't it all just "the calm before the storm?"
Ideally, life is like a step ladder, each situation is just another rung on your ladder, each storm getting bigger and bigger until it ultimately causes a hurricane where you must prepare and protect yourself. And how do you protect yourself from that storm, well, first you must find the calm, and then you put up walls, cover windows, build shelters and gather supplies.
I've put up those walls, I have built my shelter, i'm covering my windows and what I lack, are the supplies. :)
This is my calm, and the storm is about to fire up.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Change is inevitable ...
Whether its good or bad changes, they will happen and you do have to deal with them. What matters most is HOW you deal with them.
My life has been one big change after another. My mother once told me that drama circled me and that I should write a book because it would be very entertaining for some people. What I didn't know and I doubt she knew either was how the older I got, the drama was no longer funny nor was it welcome.
At 32, I have lived through more life changing and altering events than your average 50 year old, some people would say that those events were coincidental, I say that God chose that drama to shape me into the person I am today. I'm still being molded! I still have many why questions and I still don't agree with many things that happened, but who I am now is because of what I had to go through.
Today I know who I am, where I came from and where I want to be. Today I know what it is liked to have lost my best friend, mother and father as well as making a decision based on a dream and not listening to logic. Today I know the hurt that went with that dream, but I also know the lessons I had to learn through that dream, that I am the person I am today. Today I know how it feels to be truly and honestly loved by a person I can truly call my soulmate and better half.
Drama is part of my life, but today I know love through 5 dramatic voices who all call me "mom" or step"mom", and that drama I wouldn't change for the world.
Today, I know what it is like to stand on my own two feet, I know the good sides and bad sides to my own two feet and I also know how being lifted up can relieve even just one toe :).
Today, j know that all things are possible through Christ and that without Faith, where is hope?
Change is inevitable, drama is not only addictive but also leachy, love is powerful, dreams are dangerous, knowledge is powerful and hope is faith which is everything.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
That fateful date of April 10, 2011
It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since Dad passed away. I remember so clearly what I was doing that fateful Sunday.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
What we take for granted most as children.....
I believe it to be our parent's advise. What I wouldn't give to hear either one of my parents just argue with me on my point of view. My kids are growing so fast, and life is so busy that I find myself needing my parents more and more to talk to. Both of my parents new and understood what unconditional love was, so many say that they love unconditionally; but they just "think" they know what that means. My parents knew, understood and lived UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Through all of my mistakes, and I made plenty, I think I was the one that was expected to always do the opposite of what everyone else wanted me to do; even though I felt like I was doing what they wanted and what I wanted, compromising. I always found that compromise. :) lol
But through it all, no matter what, both of my parents were there for me, they never took their love from me just because they disagreed with my choices; they expressed their opinions and told me what they thought I should do, but didn't hate me when I didn't follow their advice. My parents were the EPITOME of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and I can only pray that I instill and live that with my children as well.
Life is rough, parenting is even tougher; learning from our parents and those trusted who have been there is so valuable that I don't' think we truly realize just how valuable until you don't' have it any longer.
I am a sap, can't help it, both of my parents were; but they both also taught me that there is no weakness in sappy; only strength, love and compassion. <3
But through it all, no matter what, both of my parents were there for me, they never took their love from me just because they disagreed with my choices; they expressed their opinions and told me what they thought I should do, but didn't hate me when I didn't follow their advice. My parents were the EPITOME of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and I can only pray that I instill and live that with my children as well.
Life is rough, parenting is even tougher; learning from our parents and those trusted who have been there is so valuable that I don't' think we truly realize just how valuable until you don't' have it any longer.
I am a sap, can't help it, both of my parents were; but they both also taught me that there is no weakness in sappy; only strength, love and compassion. <3
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