Whether its good or bad changes, they will happen and you do have to deal with them. What matters most is HOW you deal with them.
My life has been one big change after another. My mother once told me that drama circled me and that I should write a book because it would be very entertaining for some people. What I didn't know and I doubt she knew either was how the older I got, the drama was no longer funny nor was it welcome.
At 32, I have lived through more life changing and altering events than your average 50 year old, some people would say that those events were coincidental, I say that God chose that drama to shape me into the person I am today. I'm still being molded! I still have many why questions and I still don't agree with many things that happened, but who I am now is because of what I had to go through.
Today I know who I am, where I came from and where I want to be. Today I know what it is liked to have lost my best friend, mother and father as well as making a decision based on a dream and not listening to logic. Today I know the hurt that went with that dream, but I also know the lessons I had to learn through that dream, that I am the person I am today. Today I know how it feels to be truly and honestly loved by a person I can truly call my soulmate and better half.
Drama is part of my life, but today I know love through 5 dramatic voices who all call me "mom" or step"mom", and that drama I wouldn't change for the world.
Today, I know what it is like to stand on my own two feet, I know the good sides and bad sides to my own two feet and I also know how being lifted up can relieve even just one toe :).
Today, j know that all things are possible through Christ and that without Faith, where is hope?
Change is inevitable, drama is not only addictive but also leachy, love is powerful, dreams are dangerous, knowledge is powerful and hope is faith which is everything.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Change is inevitable ...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
That fateful date of April 10, 2011
It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since Dad passed away. I remember so clearly what I was doing that fateful Sunday.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)