It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since Dad passed away. I remember so clearly what I was doing that fateful Sunday.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
Colin and I were moving the rest of his shop into our garage, we had a full size U-haul and were moving everything heavy ourselves, three of the kids were at their mom's house while Anabel and Savanna were helping us as much as possible (mainly playing in the dirt). We were both tired and worn-out.
I knew something was going on because I had very briefly talked with my sister who was very concerned that Colin was not with me at the time she was trying to get a hold of me, saying that I would need him to come home as soon as possible Dad was being rushed to the hospital. Big Clue, however I was trying to stay positive.
I gave my phone to Savanna to answer and was helping Colin load a very heavy shelf off of the truck when the phone rang, Savanna announced it was Uncle Mike and he wanted to talk with me, suddenly, I knew ... I dropped the shelf and if fell on Colin almost crushing him as I put the phone to my ear and said hello. The minute my brother in law told me that "he didn't make it," I dropped to my knees in the truck and screamed NO...... I then dropped the phone. What happened after that I do not remember ... I ended up on the couch in the living room with instructions from my husband to relax as he took my phone and disappeared.
I sat on the couch staring at the picture of my father and step mother that still to this day sits on my bookshelf, thinking, really, just one more day, please God, give me one more hug, one more I love you, one more hi pops, just ONE MORE! I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him and how greatful I was for him. I didn't get to tell him how I adored him and thought he was one of the most wonderful men that I have ever known, that he has such an influence on my life. JUST ONE MORE I prayed for.
I remember talking to my step father and preparing for us to stay with him, I remember talking to my friend Charity and her rushing over, and I remember the fateful call to my x-mother in law asking for help with the girls, and that's it. I don't remember how I packed the kids, I probably didn't, Colin had to of b/c Charity packed me. We got to Ted's house late that night and then headed to Dad's in the morning.
I remember falling into my sister and brother's arms when I saw them, I still was wishing, for just ONE MORE. His chair was so empty.
We went to the hospital where they were keeping his body until I could get into town to say goodbye. The room was cold, he looked so peaceful but yet I was so far from peace. I wanted him to just wake up and tell me he was kidding, it was fine. But it wasn't, he was gone and I would never again here "Hey Sis." or feel his bear hug or hear his donald duck voice. My father, the man whom instilled such wonderful family values and morales into my life, the man who gave me so much and always loved me no matter what, was gone.
JUST ONE MORE, but that wish, that prayer, would not be granted, instead I would have to forever cherish my memories and the past, to forever love the thought.
I am the person I am today because of both of my parents, I am as good as I am because of both of my parents, I can only wish and dream and strive to be as good of a parent as mine were.
Today, I am reminded again of how precious life is, how tomorrow is not promised and how to not sweat "the little things" and keep on keep'n on.
I imagine this took you a while to write. We all share a HUGE whole in our days, life, and hearts. It is hard to believe it has already been a year. I still have a hard time filling the drive time every day. (This is when I would always catch up with dad) It didn't matter if I had a 5 minute drive or an hour drive. We could fill the entire drive with conversations. To this day, I often catch myself about to dial those digits.... Just remember what he instilled in all 3 of us more than anything. WE are FAMILY. WE will ALWAYS be here for each other. I hope all is well down in ARKland. Looks like the kids had a FABO Easter as always. WE MISS U GUYS!!
ReplyDeleteIt did take me a while, but I always feel so much better when I write. I've always been like that. I used to have notebooks upon notebooks of scribbles and stories and journal entries, now it's great, it's all electronic and doesn't take up space.
DeleteI think it's funny how we all filled up our drive time talking to Pops, that's when I would call him too and I know Kel did too. And yet, he was always so eager to ablige. :)
Love & Miss you guys too and will see you the end of May!